MacGyver 2x15: PIRATES
Synopsis: An archeologist is kidnapped by pirates to help them find $60 million in sunken treasure at the bottom of the sea [a/n: as opposed to sunken in quicksand or concrete or jelly beans I guess). MacGyver must attempt a rescue on the isolated ocean.
Ahhh, the reason I've watched one a half seasons of this craptastic show: HE IS SO CUTE YOU GUYS, I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH IT SOMETIMES.
OKAY, so, we open on the ocean with some big ass boats and someone talking about boat stuff. The Navy is flying airplanes off a boat even though I feel like the Air Force should be involved and also I don't see a Stargate anywhere so I'm already confused.
MacGyver and his tubby hetero-lifemate, Pete, and this redshirt are watching shit get blown up together. I guess the Navy are running some exercises and it's a big deal or whatever. But first:
Can we just take a moment to admire this mullet? It's pretty great. I saw a picture of my brother with the same haircut on Sunday and he did not pull it off like Mac here. Of course, he was a tubby 9-year-old, but I'm JUST SAYING, this takes some skill.
Blah blah blah exercises. Pete hilariously says, "One man is going to do all that?" even though Pete asks MacGyver to do the same type of thing twice before breakfast every day. I guess they have to like, army crawl onto the beach and trigger some explosions so the beach is safe to walk on and then the Navy wins their fake war, or whatever. There's some talk about how Marines are less badass than Navy Seals but I don't know about all that.
This is the kind of high tech interface you see often on this show. My favorite part is the technology. Pay phones! Huge computers! Floppy discs that are actually floppy! They have it all.
There are some gratuitous explosions on the beach. MacGyver actually seems kinda bored. Me too, buddy. Finally, they start talking about why MacGyver is there. FINALLY. I guess the Navy needs MacGyver to do something about some pirates. They are acting like Seals and the Navy is picking up some bad press.
lol. OKAY. They spin some yarn about how the Navy can't participate in civilian investigations which sounds like hooey but also sounds like the writers knew we'd all be too lazy to check their facts, SO, let's just go along with it shall we? MacGyver agrees to help and he smiles and OH MY GOD HE IS SO DREAMY YOU GUYS.
Oh, look, bad guys. They use bad guy slang like 'binocs' and they are looking at another boat which might have some treasure.
On the other boat, there is this. Treasure chest, check. Puffy vest, check. 80s hair, CHECK. Huge glasses, check. This lady is apparently really smart and knows all about boats and treasure and is an academic egg head. She says the chest has been sealed and then there's like an hour and twenty minutes of her cracking it open.
Hmm, treasure. I guess. Vala would be pretty disappointed that it isn't shinier. Mostly it seems to be documents all in perfect condition. They find the ships log and this means they're closer to finding ALL THE TREASURE. But you can totally tell this broad won't even APPRECIATE the treasure, she just wants to study it and slap it in a museum.
Meanwhile, underwater, pirates. The lady says, "We've got all the time in the world now!" Oh, honey. I think the pirates are meddling with the anchor but it's kind of hard to tell (or care). They send up a signal balloon and the boat driver sees it and oh no! says the lady. A diver might be in trouble. I bet if like, just one of the nerds on this boat would turn their head just slightly, they'd see the other boat. But no. While they screw around with the signal balloon, the pirates board.
Where did they pull those guns from? Eh. Also, where the eff is MacGyver. It becomes really apparent to me that unless is face is on my screen, I fucking hate this show.
The boat driver got punched in the face and the lady is trying to use her ~intelligence~ to puzzle shit out but it's so boring. They're pirates! They shoved you in the bottom of the boat and took your treasure! The puffy vest dude thinks maybe the sound of the other boat is the coast guard?
REALLY, SHERLOCK? YOU DON'T THINK IT COU
FINALLY , MacGyver is back. Mmmmm, Mac. So we learn her name is Barbara Ortega. MacGyver voices over (he does this a lot. I suspect it was because Richard Dead Anderson never bothers to learn his lines, so this way, he could just read from a script. Lazy troll.) that they have a meeting with the pirate's latest victim and it's Barb here.
She asks what MacGyver actually does for the Phoenix Foundation and he pussyfoots around and says he "fixes things." At this point in the show, halfway through season two, we still don't know what, exactly, the Phoenix foundation does. They seem to be like a privately funded CIA but call themselves a think tank. We also don't yet know MacGyver's first name. I mean, I KNOW IT because I can use the internet and I'm a ~librarian~ but the viewers of 1986 did not.
AND HERE I SHALL STOP, because I got bored and then I checked Tumblr and then my netflix stream timed out.
COMING SOON, Part 2.
Also, gonna leave this unlocked for a few days I think. Oooooh.